J9's Property

There's a war going on in my life.

Well, actually, there's a few of them, on different fronts. Some are long-fought battles against old enemies, some are new skirmishes. The one I'm thinking of right now is one that's been with me, well, pretty much all my life.

The name of the enemy?

Laziness.

I don't think I can honestly remember a time without Laziness hanging around my neck, sneaking up behind me, pulling me down, making me his prisoner. It goes right back to when I was a kid. I never did nearly as well in school as I should have, because instead of my attitude being one of "how well can I do?", it was, "what can I get away with?" Why put hours of work into a project and to get a 90%, when I can put minimal work into it and pull of a still-respectable 80%?

It's an attitude I've never really been able to shake, no matter how hard I fight to get beyond it. I am the Queen of Good Intentions. (and yes, I know what the road to hell is paved with!) I'll start out like gang-busters, then just when I think I'm doing well, Laziness sneaks up behind me and trips me up.

Argh.

It doesn't help that I'm not only Lazy, I'm a Lazy Procrastinator. Now, some of you may be thinking, "don't those 2 go hand-in-hand?" Actually, it is very easy to be a Procrastinator without being Lazy, and although it's less common, you can be Lazy without being a Procrastinator.

Allow me to clarify:

There are some Procrastinators whose M.O. is to find everything possible to do to make themselves busy, and in so doing, avoid the important task they really need to do. They are far from Lazy, they are actually working themselves to death. But they are still Procrastinating, because they are putting off doing what they really should be doing.

There are also some very Lazy people who don't put off doing things, they just find ways to accomplish what needs to be done with as little work as possible. As a result, the end product is usually very poor quality, because they are too Lazy to do the task properly.

The Lazy Procrastinator, on the other hand, is much worse. Not only does the important task not get done, but nothing else gets done in its place. The Lazy Procrastinator lives by the adage, "Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?", and plunks themselves down on the couch and watches TV. Or plays video games. Or reads a novel. Or sits in front of a computer and does nothing but blog...

I'm finding ways to win the small battles, though. One tactic I've taken to using is the "Nike" approach. ("Just Do It!") There are times when I will literally kick myself in the butt and get moving. Other times, if I'm already in motion, I'll prevent myself from sitting down on the couch. I leave the TV turned off. (which is easier to do when I'm home alone...) I leave the computer turned off.

And slowly, I'm beginning to win. A skirmish here. A duel there. Stuff gets done, and I feel much better about myself. (There's nothing worse than that horrible sinking feeling you get while looking at the piles of unwashed dishes, knowing you could have avoided the 45mins of standing at a sink if you had not let Laziness get the upper hand 4 nights ago.)

Now I just have to get rid of the excuses. I'm a typical working wife in many ways: working a full time job, coming home and thinking, "I'm too tired from working all day to do anything around here!" But, then I look at my SIL, (who is the energizer bunny incarnate), and I see how much she can get done in an evening, after working all day. If I could do half of what she gets done, I'd be way ahead of the game. And why can't I?

I just have to make up my mind to do it.

Maybe next week....

He's trying to tell me something.

(Well, He's not trying, He's doing. The problem is on the receiving end.)

I can't quite decipher it yet. But there's that disturbance in my spirit, that tells me there's something I need to learn, something I need to do, or stop doing...I just can't put my finger on it.

There's been something bothering me the last while, probably for a few weeks. I've put it down to stress (both from life and from work), tiredness, selfishness, whatever I can think of, but bottom line, there's something not quite right.

He's trying to tell me what it is, and I can't quite figure it out.

I came to this realization today. I was reminded of an old prayer on the weekend, and I decided I wanted to pray it every day. Not just for the sake of repeating a prayer for the sake of repeating it (and therefore feeling good about myself for having said it), but because it's truly what I want in my life. I know I lack. I'm far from the person God wants me to be. I guess I felt that one step on the road to becoming that person is to pray this prayer (and really mean it!!) on a regular basis. So I started with it today.

And I immediately felt Him telling me something. I just can't hear Him clearly yet - there's too much of me in the way. But I know it's important, and I'd better listen up.

I mentioned this before, the concept of rest. Not sleep, but rest.

I got some rest this weekend. I'm actually feeling rather sleep-deprived at the moment, but I feel rested.

Ironic?

Not when you think about it.

No, I didn't get enough sleep. I came home from work today feeling like I needed a 2-hour nap. But I was able to do something this weekend that I don't often have a chance to do: I took a break from the world.

I didn't run away, I didn't go into seclusion, I didn't join a convent or anything drastic like that. I was home alone (band-widowed again), which allowed me to work on myself a little. (and the house, for that matter - it's amazing how much better one feels with a clean house!) It was a much-needed time-out from the hectic busy-ness that is my life these days.

Don't get me wrong, I missed Doug while he was away! But being the stereotypical introvert, I find being around people to be very tiring. It's taken Doug a little while to learn that when I first come home from work, I need to just be by myself for a little while, so I can re-charge and calm down. Dealing with people all day every day is very wearing on someone with my personality type, and I need a break from it. Otherwise, I can get just a little cranky.

Today, my head feels clearer, I feel better about myself, about my ability to cope. I'm actually starting to feel like a grown-up, instead of a kid playing "house". It doesn't feel so much like my world is crashing down around me.

All because I got some rest.

Now, if only I could just get some sleep.....

Yes, I'm still here. Still breathing, still upright.

It's been a strange few weeks. I've been finding myself swinging between confident, together, responsible adult, and scared, insecure, depressed kid. I have a bad habit of allowing myself to be affected by events which are outside of my control. Combine that with the other bad habit of not doing anything to help myself.

There are times, though, when I feel like I'm getting my life together. My house gets cleaned. Responsibilities get taken care of. I act like my age.

But then, it's only a few days before I'm parked in front of the TV, or at the computer, feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could just run away and hide from the world.

I screwed up big time today. Well, the screw-up wasn't today, but I suffered the consequences today. I won't go into detail about what happened, but suffice to say that I was reminded of how I can do things without thinking, and that a seemingly small, stupid act can catch up to you in a big way.

And now I want to crawl into a hole. I'm embarrassed, I'm chagrinned, I'm very angry with myself. I'm also lucky to have only been reprimanded and warned.

But I'll get over it. And I'll learn from it.

And the confidence will come back. I'll start getting things together again, and I'll feel like a grown-up.

Maybe I'll even act like one.

There I am, saying I'm going to write more often....and here I am, writing no more frequently than I did before...

Sorry...

I guess you could say I've been a little busy lately. Goings-on at work, goings-on at home, goings-on at the corps...I really haven't had time to think, let alone write. Case in point, here I sit at 2am Saturday morning, which seems to be the only time I can find to write...and I'm still not sure what I'm going to write about...I just know I want to write....

There have been a lot of disturbing things happening lately, both in my own little world, and in the big world out there. It makes me want to come up with something profound to say, but I find myself so exhausted from all the angst that I just can't put anything coherent together. I need rest. Not just sleep, but rest. Rest from responsibility, rest from conflict, rest from the world in general. Just for a little while...

OK, I've written and deleted way too many paragraphs at this point, nothing is coming out the way I want it to come out. I think I'll quit for the night, and at least get the sleep part of the rest I'm needing. See you (hopefully!) in a little while....

Yay!!

I never thought I'd be happy about having my house turned into a construction zone, but when you've spent months (years, even!) waiting to have your kitchen reno'd, it's a very exciting thing! What makes it bear-able, is that we have a separate apartment in our basement, which is currently not rented out -- I therefore still have a fully functioning kitchen while the upstairs one is ripped apart!

Things are (finally!) moving along, everything is outa there (some of it is already in the dump!), and the new cabinets have been ordered. Of course, the main floor of the house is covered in plaster dust, but I can live with that...it's only temporary.

We're still seriously behind schedule -- it looks like we won't be able to list the house until late summer, maybe even September. When you consider we had originally planned to move a year ago, it's very frustrating...but I'm staying positive by looking at the fact that the things that need to get done are finally getting done! As long as we can maintain the momentum, I'll be happy. The trick is not losing steam before we get to the end of the track...

...but dealing with it. One of these days, I'll learn that I can't always be in control, and things will all work out the way they're supposed to.

Like I said, I must have prayed for patience or something....

I'm on my own right now, another band widow weekend. The CSB is in Montreal this weekend, it will be one of the last times that the march "Montreal Citadel" will be played in Montreal Citadel! It's very special for the CSB, because that march is their "March march" - ie. the march they play while on the march in various parts of the world. (and it's not the same, without Scott Gross taking the one repeat down the octave!)

So, in the mean time, I'm getting some much-needed spring cleaning done, both inside and outside. Helps with the frustration level, when I can at least get some things done and at least pretend that we're moving forward...(sorry, there I go again)....

(ok, I gotta stop now)