J9's Property

He's trying to tell me something.

(Well, He's not trying, He's doing. The problem is on the receiving end.)

I can't quite decipher it yet. But there's that disturbance in my spirit, that tells me there's something I need to learn, something I need to do, or stop doing...I just can't put my finger on it.

There's been something bothering me the last while, probably for a few weeks. I've put it down to stress (both from life and from work), tiredness, selfishness, whatever I can think of, but bottom line, there's something not quite right.

He's trying to tell me what it is, and I can't quite figure it out.

I came to this realization today. I was reminded of an old prayer on the weekend, and I decided I wanted to pray it every day. Not just for the sake of repeating a prayer for the sake of repeating it (and therefore feeling good about myself for having said it), but because it's truly what I want in my life. I know I lack. I'm far from the person God wants me to be. I guess I felt that one step on the road to becoming that person is to pray this prayer (and really mean it!!) on a regular basis. So I started with it today.

And I immediately felt Him telling me something. I just can't hear Him clearly yet - there's too much of me in the way. But I know it's important, and I'd better listen up.

I mentioned this before, the concept of rest. Not sleep, but rest.

I got some rest this weekend. I'm actually feeling rather sleep-deprived at the moment, but I feel rested.

Ironic?

Not when you think about it.

No, I didn't get enough sleep. I came home from work today feeling like I needed a 2-hour nap. But I was able to do something this weekend that I don't often have a chance to do: I took a break from the world.

I didn't run away, I didn't go into seclusion, I didn't join a convent or anything drastic like that. I was home alone (band-widowed again), which allowed me to work on myself a little. (and the house, for that matter - it's amazing how much better one feels with a clean house!) It was a much-needed time-out from the hectic busy-ness that is my life these days.

Don't get me wrong, I missed Doug while he was away! But being the stereotypical introvert, I find being around people to be very tiring. It's taken Doug a little while to learn that when I first come home from work, I need to just be by myself for a little while, so I can re-charge and calm down. Dealing with people all day every day is very wearing on someone with my personality type, and I need a break from it. Otherwise, I can get just a little cranky.

Today, my head feels clearer, I feel better about myself, about my ability to cope. I'm actually starting to feel like a grown-up, instead of a kid playing "house". It doesn't feel so much like my world is crashing down around me.

All because I got some rest.

Now, if only I could just get some sleep.....

Yes, I'm still here. Still breathing, still upright.

It's been a strange few weeks. I've been finding myself swinging between confident, together, responsible adult, and scared, insecure, depressed kid. I have a bad habit of allowing myself to be affected by events which are outside of my control. Combine that with the other bad habit of not doing anything to help myself.

There are times, though, when I feel like I'm getting my life together. My house gets cleaned. Responsibilities get taken care of. I act like my age.

But then, it's only a few days before I'm parked in front of the TV, or at the computer, feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could just run away and hide from the world.

I screwed up big time today. Well, the screw-up wasn't today, but I suffered the consequences today. I won't go into detail about what happened, but suffice to say that I was reminded of how I can do things without thinking, and that a seemingly small, stupid act can catch up to you in a big way.

And now I want to crawl into a hole. I'm embarrassed, I'm chagrinned, I'm very angry with myself. I'm also lucky to have only been reprimanded and warned.

But I'll get over it. And I'll learn from it.

And the confidence will come back. I'll start getting things together again, and I'll feel like a grown-up.

Maybe I'll even act like one.

There I am, saying I'm going to write more often....and here I am, writing no more frequently than I did before...

Sorry...

I guess you could say I've been a little busy lately. Goings-on at work, goings-on at home, goings-on at the corps...I really haven't had time to think, let alone write. Case in point, here I sit at 2am Saturday morning, which seems to be the only time I can find to write...and I'm still not sure what I'm going to write about...I just know I want to write....

There have been a lot of disturbing things happening lately, both in my own little world, and in the big world out there. It makes me want to come up with something profound to say, but I find myself so exhausted from all the angst that I just can't put anything coherent together. I need rest. Not just sleep, but rest. Rest from responsibility, rest from conflict, rest from the world in general. Just for a little while...

OK, I've written and deleted way too many paragraphs at this point, nothing is coming out the way I want it to come out. I think I'll quit for the night, and at least get the sleep part of the rest I'm needing. See you (hopefully!) in a little while....