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It's very true what they say, you know: you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives.
If you have a friend who does not treat you the way you feel you should be treated, or behaves in an inappropriate manner in your presence, you can end the friendship and choose to not associate with them any more. You can choose to stop calling them, stop hanging out with them, it can actually be relatively easy to cut them out of your life and leave them behind.
But what about family?
Not so easy.
I'm sure there are those of you who are saying to yourselves, "well I really don't like Cousin So-and-so, so I just don't associate with them anymore", or "Uncle What's-his-name was really mean to me, so I just don't talk to him anymore." That's fine and dandy for some relatives. But what about immediate family? What if the offensive person is a parent, grandparent, or sibling?
Well, a sibling can be relatively easy. I know of plenty of siblings who don't get along with each other; they just try to avoid each other as much as they can, and pretend to get along and be civil at family gatherings.
All well and good.
But what do you do when it's a parent?
It's really quite heart-wrenching. You're torn between the love and loyalty you feel for a parent who sacrificed and gave of themselves so you could have the life you do, and the pain you feel when their behaviour toward you is hurtful. You can't cut them out of your life like you could an unrelated acquaintance, but to maintain contact with them means putting yourself in the position of being hurt and angry over and over.
It's worse when you've tried to explain to them repeatedly that what they are doing is hurtful, but they just don't understand, and continue to behave the way they have for years, all the while placing the blame on you without acknowledging their own contribution to the mess. (of course, let's not forget the guilt trips) It becomes a true love-hate relationship: you love them because they are your parents, but you hate being around them when they cause fights and arguments.
Throw in a grandchild or 2, and it just raises the whole mess to a new level. On one hand, you want your children to know their grandparents; on the other hand, the last thing you want is for them to be exposed to the fighting that inevitably erupts when everyone is in the same room.
Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.
It's something I've had to witness for several years now. I really don't know what the solution is, and as much as I want to help the situation, I know there's really nothing I can do. It's a toxic atmosphere that doesn't show any signs of improving any time in the near future, and believe me when I say, it's painful to watch.
If only it was as simple as cutting the ties and walking away. But when have family dynamics ever been simple?...
If you have a friend who does not treat you the way you feel you should be treated, or behaves in an inappropriate manner in your presence, you can end the friendship and choose to not associate with them any more. You can choose to stop calling them, stop hanging out with them, it can actually be relatively easy to cut them out of your life and leave them behind.
But what about family?
Not so easy.
I'm sure there are those of you who are saying to yourselves, "well I really don't like Cousin So-and-so, so I just don't associate with them anymore", or "Uncle What's-his-name was really mean to me, so I just don't talk to him anymore." That's fine and dandy for some relatives. But what about immediate family? What if the offensive person is a parent, grandparent, or sibling?
Well, a sibling can be relatively easy. I know of plenty of siblings who don't get along with each other; they just try to avoid each other as much as they can, and pretend to get along and be civil at family gatherings.
All well and good.
But what do you do when it's a parent?
It's really quite heart-wrenching. You're torn between the love and loyalty you feel for a parent who sacrificed and gave of themselves so you could have the life you do, and the pain you feel when their behaviour toward you is hurtful. You can't cut them out of your life like you could an unrelated acquaintance, but to maintain contact with them means putting yourself in the position of being hurt and angry over and over.
It's worse when you've tried to explain to them repeatedly that what they are doing is hurtful, but they just don't understand, and continue to behave the way they have for years, all the while placing the blame on you without acknowledging their own contribution to the mess. (of course, let's not forget the guilt trips) It becomes a true love-hate relationship: you love them because they are your parents, but you hate being around them when they cause fights and arguments.
Throw in a grandchild or 2, and it just raises the whole mess to a new level. On one hand, you want your children to know their grandparents; on the other hand, the last thing you want is for them to be exposed to the fighting that inevitably erupts when everyone is in the same room.
Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.
It's something I've had to witness for several years now. I really don't know what the solution is, and as much as I want to help the situation, I know there's really nothing I can do. It's a toxic atmosphere that doesn't show any signs of improving any time in the near future, and believe me when I say, it's painful to watch.
If only it was as simple as cutting the ties and walking away. But when have family dynamics ever been simple?...
