J9's Property

It's very true what they say, you know: you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives.

If you have a friend who does not treat you the way you feel you should be treated, or behaves in an inappropriate manner in your presence, you can end the friendship and choose to not associate with them any more. You can choose to stop calling them, stop hanging out with them, it can actually be relatively easy to cut them out of your life and leave them behind.

But what about family?

Not so easy.

I'm sure there are those of you who are saying to yourselves, "well I really don't like Cousin So-and-so, so I just don't associate with them anymore", or "Uncle What's-his-name was really mean to me, so I just don't talk to him anymore." That's fine and dandy for some relatives. But what about immediate family? What if the offensive person is a parent, grandparent, or sibling?

Well, a sibling can be relatively easy. I know of plenty of siblings who don't get along with each other; they just try to avoid each other as much as they can, and pretend to get along and be civil at family gatherings.

All well and good.

But what do you do when it's a parent?

It's really quite heart-wrenching. You're torn between the love and loyalty you feel for a parent who sacrificed and gave of themselves so you could have the life you do, and the pain you feel when their behaviour toward you is hurtful. You can't cut them out of your life like you could an unrelated acquaintance, but to maintain contact with them means putting yourself in the position of being hurt and angry over and over.

It's worse when you've tried to explain to them repeatedly that what they are doing is hurtful, but they just don't understand, and continue to behave the way they have for years, all the while placing the blame on you without acknowledging their own contribution to the mess. (of course, let's not forget the guilt trips) It becomes a true love-hate relationship: you love them because they are your parents, but you hate being around them when they cause fights and arguments.

Throw in a grandchild or 2, and it just raises the whole mess to a new level. On one hand, you want your children to know their grandparents; on the other hand, the last thing you want is for them to be exposed to the fighting that inevitably erupts when everyone is in the same room.

Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.

It's something I've had to witness for several years now. I really don't know what the solution is, and as much as I want to help the situation, I know there's really nothing I can do. It's a toxic atmosphere that doesn't show any signs of improving any time in the near future, and believe me when I say, it's painful to watch.

If only it was as simple as cutting the ties and walking away. But when have family dynamics ever been simple?...

It's a question I often find myself asking these days. I truly don't recognize my life! Since when am I a mother of 2 kids???

I don't think I'm necessarily having an identity crisis, or mid-life crisis, or anything like that, it's just a case of coming to terms with how my life has changed over the last 3 years or so. Especially as Connor gets older - I've pretty much gotten used to the mother-of-small-infant routine, but this whole older-toddler thing is something else altogether. There are times when I just find myself staring at Connor in amazement. He's truly becoming a little person.

At least I'm starting to recognize myself a bit more these days. I was just getting back to feeling like myself when I had a slight interruption known as an emergency appendectomy...thankfully everything seems to have healed well, and my energy level and strength are continuing to return to normal levels. We even went camping this past week and I survived with only a small dose of total exhaustion about half-way through the week. ;)

But to be honest, did I really, truly, ever believe that I actually would be a wife and mother some day? The more I think about it, it's like it was just something that other people had the chance to do, and I would live out my days as a single, child-less woman who did her own thing and lived vicariously through friends and family. And yet, here I sit with a husband of nearly 10 years and 2 wee babes sleeping upstairs in my cookie-cutter house in suburbia.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't dislike my life. I'm just finding myself constantly adjusting to the fact that this is indeed my life. Maybe the fact that I was always so socially awkward and unpopular as a kid and teenager contributed to the disbelief that I would ever have that "normal" life that I am now living. I often wonder if those who knew me back in my youth would be surprised to see where (and who!) I am now...

Well, kinda...

Yes, we have a new little one - Zachary was born right on his due date (much to the surprise of many people who insisted he would come early, including me!), and is now 3 months old and growing like a weed!
He was (and still is!) quite the cheeky little fellow, although "little" is relative. At nearly a full pound bigger than his big brother, Zachary quickly earned the title of "Big Little Brother". (in fact, the first words I heard in the delivery room as he was being born were, "Look at those cheeks!!")
He looks enough like Connor that you can tell they are brothers, but he is definitely his own little person, with his own personality.
Now that we are (finally!) beginning to settle into a routine, I'm hoping to write a little more often. There have been a few things percolating in the mind lately, some things funny, others disturbing, and some that just make you say, "hmmmmm...."

As for me personally, I'm hoping in the next few months to kind of find myself again. Not sure if I really lost myself entirely over the last year or so, but I feel a little at loose ends, if you know what I mean.

This could be an interesting journey...