J9's Property

My neck and shoulder hurt.

I've come down with my first cold of the season.

And I have to write a 3-hour final exam on Wednesday!!!

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Advent starts this week.

Stores are in full Kris Kringle mode.

Houses are getting decorated, trees are being cut/set up/decorated.

So why doesn't it feel like Christmas?

I must have too much going on in my mind. Too many thoughts, too many events, too much news (most of it not particularly positive)...

Maybe I'll feel it more after tomorrow night, when we have the annual Christmas With The Salvation Army concert at Roy Thomson Hall.

Maybe I'll feel it more after my exam (for which I really should be studying right now) on Wednesday.

Maybe once my living room is finished, and I can actually put up my own Christmas tree and decorations... (what's that old saying about hope springing eternal?...)

I'm finding it hard to believe that it will be December tomorrow. What happened to October?...oh, never mind, I know only too well what happened to October. I'm still recovering from October. November was certainly a better month, what I can remember of it.

The retail business is certainly pulling out all the stops in trying to get everyone into the Christmas spirit. I just wish their Christmas spirit was the same as my Christmas Spirit. Imagine how much more enjoyable Christmas would be, if it were all about getting together with family and friends, going to parties, hosting parties, celebrating the actual reason we have a holiday (read that, Holy Day) at all. No blown bank accounts and huge credit card debts. No stressing out about what to buy that person who "has it all". No hassles in crowded stores, no fighting over that Big Ticket Item that always seems to crop up every year.

I think it was Madonna (ironic?) and her husband who said that they stopped having Christmas as the secular world knows it. No presents in their house. Just spending time together. For once, I think she's actually done something I can truly admire. I don't know what her motives are, but the idea certainly has merit. Wouldn't you find Christmas more enjoyable? I really think I would.

Just think, no whiney kids when they don't get what they want, or don't get as much as they think they should, or think their sibling got more stuff than they did. No pretending to like something that you know you'll never use, just so you don't offend the person who thought it was perfect for you. No resentment from buying that gift for that person you really don't like, but feel you have to buy for out of duty. No false-ness, no shallowness, no stress, NO COMMERCIALISM...

Whadaya think? Can we get back to basics? Or has Christmas been hijacked to such an extent that it's lost to us forever?

I suppose it may be too much to ask. The western world has become so secularized (or should I say, anti-Christian) that the public perception of Christmas really has become "X-mas" - taking Christ right out of it. Heck, you hardly even hear it called "Christmas" anymore, it's "the holidays". People don't say "Merry Christmas" anymore, it's "Happy Holidays", or my personal pet-peeve, "Season's Greetings". (blech!) Christmas is Santa Claus, perfectly wrapped presents,
fancy Christmas Trees decorated in the most modern style (is it still the big, colourful ribbons with coordinated ornaments? Or is that passe this year?)...

It's really quite sad, if you ask me.

Maybe it'll start to feel like Christmas when I can sit down with my family, relax, and just enjoy being with them. Maybe when I can put the focus where it should be, on a manger in Bethlehem, and on a wee Babe who would change the course of history. No big concerts, no big productions, no big, bright, flashy displays.

Just me, my family, and Him.

Read here.

Can't blame ya, Les!

I'm managing.

Vacations are wonderful things for getting away from life, clearing one's head, reducing one's stress levels, but they can also cause further stress....and I'm not just referring to my husband getting sick right when we were supposed to be heading home! It's been the worst autumn I can remember. One thing on top of another on top of another. I feel so beat up right now, I can't roll with any more punches.

But I do feel as though I have a better handle on things now. I still miss Fay. I look over at her empty desk, and I miss her. I see all the exciting changes happening in the office, and I miss her.

But I'm managing. My head isn't quite so foggy. I feel I can function again.

The piles of paper at work aren't going away. They're actually only going to get worse in the next while, and I'm behind already due to being away for a week.

But it's manageable.

I have a temporary team leader. I now know who my new permanent team leader will be, once the Grand Shuffle is completed in our department. I will also have an entirely new team to work with, and a new desk mate to get to know. I also know where my new desk will be, and I actually move into it on Monday. Which means I have to find time tomorrow to pack up my current desk.

But it's manageable.

If I can take that next breath, tackle that next piece of mail, make that next phone call,....

I can manage.

I can manage, in spite of the latest news, which I'm still trying to absorb. "C" is now closer to home than I've ever wanted it to be. There are a lot of positive aspects to this news, but the natural reaction is still one of fear, worry, concern...

I can manage, in spite of the ongoing upheaval of a house undergoing constant renovations. Still lots left to do.

But, I can manage.

When we were driving to Florida a couple of weeks ago, it rained most of the way. At one point, we were driving through the mountains of West Virginia (or it might have been Virginia...not sure), and the rain let up a bit; the sun shone through a little; and a huge, beautiful, full-arch rainbow appeared right beside us.

And I heard that still, small, voice whisper in my ear,

"Don't worry. I'm taking care of you."

Well, it's beginning to sink in. Doesn't make any sense yet, and I'm sure it may be a very long time before it does, if ever. I'm getting over the shock. Still a little off-balance, and my head is still fuzzy, but overall I'm beginning to feel better.

That doesn't mean it's any easier, mind you.

It's been a rough week, to say the least. The visitation was on Monday, the funeral on Tuesday. Very quick, it seemed, but I guess that's how her family wanted it. It was so heart-breaking to see her sons, only in their 20's (and looking even younger!).

I thought the funeral was very meaningful, even though I've never experienced a Greek Orthodox funeral before, and had no hope of understanding all the Greek being sung. The liturgy was actually rather comforting, and the priest did do some translation for us english-only folks. And there was quite a contingent of us -- I think the people from work accounted for about 1/4 of the congregation.

We're slowly losing the things that remind us of Fay. Her sons came in last night to collect her things from her desk, so we no longer see her shawl draped over her chair (she was cold-blooded, like me, and often was wrapping herself up in that shawl), no longer see the photos of her sons and nephews on the desk...maybe it's for the best, it doesn't seem so much like she should be walking in the door at any minute...

But I'll always see her leaning against my desk when she would stop by for a chat, or sitting in the "lounge" in our team area, when we'd have an impromptu meeting ("just two minutes!"), or just sitting around on a Friday morning with our coffees, and I still hear her voice when I read the notes she's left in my files...

I worked with Fay for 5 years. I was placed on her team when she first became a team leader, not long after I started with the company. She and I usually worked very well together. There was an unfortunate period of time, when things weren't going so well, and most people on the team were upset with her, but in the last few months, she was an absolute pleasure to work with. There were a lot of similarities in our personalities, so I felt I understood her fairly well. She always encouraged me, wasn't afraid to give me a good, swift, kick in the rear whenever I needed it, but I always knew she was in my corner.

It will take some time to get used to not having her there, she was a big part of my life at work. I'm going to miss teasing her about her computer skills (or rather, the lack thereof!), or about her, well, interesting terms (I'll never look at another gargoyle without thinking, "it's 'mooshy'"); I'll miss hearing about her sons and their latest accomplishments, or her nephews, or her nieces, or her mom... she was a lady who loved her family and friends dearly.

I had someone say to me today, rather bluntly, that life goes on. Indeed, it does. But that doesn't mean I'm wrong in taking my time getting back to "normal". I don't want life to just "go on", and forget about her. Yes, we must move on, but the last thing I want to do is leave her memory behind.

I can't just pretend nothing happened, push it away, and not deal with it.

I have to face it head-on.

She deserves that much.

How do you make sense of it?

Especially when you're in such a state of shock that it's hard to think straight in the first place. My mind is in a fog, and I'm not seeing too clearly either thanks to the leaky eyes. (it also messes up the glasses)

I keep waiting to wake up, for someone to tell me it's all a misunderstanding, that nothing is what it seems. But I know that won't happen.

Deep down, I know.

I know that when I go to work on Monday, my boss won't be there. I know there will be an empty desk, where just a couple of days ago, there was a happy, caring, slightly quirky woman who would go to the ends of the earth for her family, friends, and team.

I pray God will bring comfort to her family right now and in the days to come.

Rest in Peace, Fay.

Well, we're trying......still trying.....(very trying).....to get this house on the market.....there's still SO much to do! I guess that's what happens when you own a 50 yr-old house that really hasn't had a whole lot done to it in the last 50 years.

We are making progress, though! The kitchen is (finally!!) done (except for a couple of odds and ends, like the under-counter valance, and painting the new trim)(oh, and finishing the cupboard behind the door)(and the transition strips), rooms are getting painting this week, the downstairs apartment is as done as it's going to get, although the downstairs hallway, laundry room, and storage room still need help...

*sigh*

But, we're further ahead than we were. It's getting there. Mainly little stuff left to do, which we (hopefully) can get done before Thanksgiving. Yeah, I know, not the best time to list a house, but I just want to GET IT LISTED AND BE DONE WITH IT.

Do I sound convinced yet? It's hard to stay optimistic when I look around and see how much we still have to do, compared to how much time we have to get it done in. Thankfully, Mom and Dad are coming out this week to help, to do some painting for us (yay!!), so that will be a couple more things crossed off the list.

*sigh*

Know anyone who would like to buy a cute little 3-bedroom bungalow in Scarborough, with an in-law suite in the basement?.....